


Bloody Hell

by Paradise_of_Mary_Jane



Series: Tales of Becoming Animagi [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, Marauders era, animagi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 12:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4746710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane/pseuds/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If there was anyone mad enough to think of bringing huge animals into their dorm it was James, and if there was anyone idiotic enough to agree with him it was Peter, and if there would have been anyone tenacious enough to actually manage bringing the animals into the dorm it was Sirius. </p><p>In which Remus Lupin finds several animals in his dorm and is less than amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bloody Hell

**Author's Note:**

> This work is sappy cliche and is really a product of me procrastinating on all my college writing tasks because you know... fanfiction. *shrugs*
> 
> And I know the title sucks but... I don't really have an excuse other than I suck at titles
> 
>  
> 
> **I don't own Harry Potter**

“What the--Bloody hell!”

The last thing Remus Lupin expected when he walked into his dorm was a great big bloody stag and a great big bloody dog sitting right in the middle of it. And yet…

“Bloody hell,” he repeated just as the dog bounded forward and sending him crashing to the floor. The stag stomped its hoof on the floor and released a breath. If Remus hadn’t known better, he’d have thought it was laughing at him. And he was definitely imagining the familiar squeaking because there is no way in hell that there are rats in their dorm. He might just kill Sirius if there was.

The dog, which looked like the great bloody grim (he was seriously regretting taking Divination only for the horrible superstitions it gave him), was trying to lick his face into oblivion.

“Bloody hell.” Contrary to his reaction, Remus Lupin had a rather large vocabulary that was not limited to cursing. He was struggling to find it at the moment.

“Bloody hell.” To no avail.

Maybe he should get a teacher. Yes, that was what he should do. Because Remus Lupin was definitely not equipped, either mentally or physically to deal with a great bloody stag and a great bloody dog. Maybe a teacher was. Yes. A teacher was definitely the way to go.

He attempted to push the dog off of him which did absolutely nothing but cause the dog to lick him more. He tried again because he needed to go off and, well deal with the forest animals in their dorm. And rats, Remus could definitely hear squeaking. He will definitely have to murder Sirius then. A distant part of him wondered what James, Sirius, and Peter would think of the predicament he was in. Probably laugh their arses off, the pricks.

Wait.

Wait.

Oh for the love of--Remus wondered why he still remained friends to such huge prats.

“I know you’re there,” he called out. “And this is very not funny. Quite the opposite actually. I am definitely not amused.” Because if there was anyone mad enough to think of bringing huge animals into their dorm it was James, and if there was anyone idiotic enough to agree with him it was Peter, and if there would have been anyone tenacious enough to actually manage bringing the animals into the dorm it was Sirius.

The plan just reeked of those three and Remus felt like an idiot for not thinking of it before.

“Very not funny,” Remus called out again. “And I’m a prefect. I can dock points for this, you know. Lots and lots of points. Like fifty or a hundred. You wouldn’t--Bloody hell!”

Because where the black dog had been sitting on top of Remus was Sirius bloody Black with a huge grin on his face.

“No need to go to such drastic measures Moony,” said Sirius. The same Sirius who was lying face down on top of him and who, Remus was certain of, the same dog who had been licking his face a mere two seconds ago. Remus thought it best not think about the last part, for his sanity and all.

“Bloody hell,” Remus repeated for good measure.

“Did you have to startle him like that?” James, who was suddenly standing where the stag had been, said annoyedly. “We were supposed to ease him into it gently, remember? Not scare the knickers out of him!”

Peter was also there, very suddenly inside the room.

“Bloody hell,” said Remus. He had a better vocabulary than this, he really did. He just couldn’t be bothered to think of it at the moment.

“Language, language Moony,” tutted Sirius and Remus was sorely reminded of how close their faces were to each other. Bloody hell indeed.

“Get off me!” he cried, shoving Sirius off of him and trying to stand in what he hoped was a dignified manner. Sirius looked affronted but Remus paid him no heed. The bloody git deserved it.

“What the hell,” he said to the room in general.

“Uh, surprise?” Peter offered weakly, raising his hands up slightly. Remus glared at him.

“What. The. Hell,” repeated Remus. He wasn’t too keen on the ideas that were forming in his mind. As far as he knew, there was only one possible way for his friends to do what they did, and the worst part was that they were probably mad enough and capable enough to manage it.

“Well…” James began, shifting awkwardly. Remus fixed him with his best stern look and the other boy seemed to crumble. “We had this idea see, when we were in second year actually, we thought--”

“--That you really were awfully lonely during the full moons,” said Sirius. “I mean, all alone up there in the shrieking shack, with no one to talk to and all--”

“--And hurting yourself a lot and all. It just seemed awful uncomfortable and all,” said James. “So we did a little research--”

“And some experimentation, we won’t bore you with the details but the thing is--”

“We’re animagi now,” finished Peter.

Remus blinked once. Then twice. There was really nothing else to do.

“Bloody hell,” he breathed. He really needed to sit down. Sitting down was good. Sitting down seemed to be a real swell option.

Peter seemed to read his mind and guided him gently towards a bed where he sat down. Bloody hell.

“You’re animagi,” said Remus. His friends nodded. They stood before him, their hands clasped in front of them like contrite little children. The mental image made Remus want to laugh, and maybe he did. He didn’t feel entirely sane at the moment.

“Illegal animagi?”

Another nod.

“You were those animals in the room? The stag?” a nod, “The dog?” another nod, “and?”

“A rat,” said Peter quietly.

Well that explained the squeaking then. He might not have to kill Sirius after all, but given the circumstance that was still a big if.

“Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?” Remus all but roared. He wasn’t really angry, or maybe he was but… Illegal Animagi. Bloody. Hell. “You could have died! This isn’t just some prank! You literally could have died! And you could be arrested and you will be arrested if anyone finds out. They are called illegal animagi for a reason, you great bloody gits!”

He had stood up and began pacing at some point.

“We won’t get caught Remus,” said Sirius soothingly. Remus was far from soothed. “We’re careful, really careful. We know what we got into.”

“And why pray tell did you even do it?” Remus asked, voice lowering. “Who’s idea was it anyway?”  
  
Their eyes briefly flickered to Sirius. Remus was less than impressed.

“It was all our ideas,” said James. “And we did it because of you.”

“Because you thought I’d be lonely?”  
  
“We wanted to help you,”said Sirius earnestly. “You were hurting yourself so much. We wanted to be there for you, to help you through the full moons.”

“And werewolfs are only dangerous to humans, so we became animagi,” said James. “You can’t hurt us anymore. We can help you.”

Remus opened and closed his mouth several times, not sure what he wanted to say.

“Y-You did this? For me?”

“You don’t have to go through the full moons alone,” said Peter. “You’re not going to get hurt anymore.”

“But what if--” Remus couldn’t even begin to entertain the thought of something going wrong. He didn’t think he could bear it.

“For Merlin’s sake Remy,” said James with a roll of his eyes. “We spent a good part of three years working on this. Nothing’s going to go wrong. Have a little faith yeah?”

Remus couldn’t do nothing but stare at this stupid, ridiculous gits who somehow thought that being animagi at fifteen was a good idea.

“Idiots,” he said, shaking his head fondly, a smile forming on his lips.

That did not mean he had forgiven the idiots for scaring the knickers out of him.

\--Fini--

 

**Author's Note:**

> Um completely off topic but by any chance, can anyone help me with a magical realism prompt? Not fandom related, just... I found that I don't know how to do magical realism like at all.
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](http://pdfcct.tumblr.com/)! Come say hi :)


End file.
